The loud clamoring of various groups of people in front of Saint Paul’s Church Harold the usual Sunday afternoon. While most were simply glad the hour long service was over, others cheerfully discussed the good message of the day.
“Splendid sermon Father Donavan!” Says a young man dressed in a blue button up, black pants, and a purple trench coat.
“Ah! Adam Levi, good to see you again!” The old Priest with the fluffy beard smiles joyfully at the colorfully dressed man. “I thought I saw you in the pews! But with my bad eyes I wasn’t sure.” The old Priest chuckles as he warmly shakes Adam’s hand.
“I’ve been attending your sermons for five years now and I gotta say, you still got it!” He says. “You’re the only Priest I know who makes Religion sound so riveting! How many lives did you change this time?” Adam chuckles putting on his blue fedora. The sun’s bright rays bounce off the purple ribbon wrapped around the hat.
“And you’re the only man I know who’s wardrobe solely consists of purple, blue, and black!” Says Donavan.
The two enjoy a hearty laugh. A couple exiting the Church walk past the Priest, catching the attention of Adam.
“My apologies Father but I must be leaving. You’ve got the next week sermon right?”
“That’s correct! I’m to assume you’ll be there?” Says Donavan.
“Count on it!” The two shake hands again. Slightly pressing down on his fedora to cover his face, Adam watches as the couple wade through the crowd.
Adam follows the couple from a distance, his bright purple 1972 Dodge Charger catching attention as he drives down the road.
Inside the couples home, a woman reels in fear as her angry boyfriend chews her out.
“Why the hell did you drag me to that bore fest?!” He downs a beer as his girlfriend Jenny watches in silence. “I work the nightshift and when I come home I like to drink a beer and take a nap. But no! You had to find something for us to do! You constantly find somewhere to drag me! I haven’t slept well in days because of you!”
“That’s…not true Terry.” She weekly replies.
“What was that?” Terry glares at Jenny.
“You’ve slept well this last week.” She slowly raises her head. Her eyes meet his enraged glare. “You also partied with your friends after work yesterday. Ever since than you’ve been scratching your groin nonstop!” Her voice cracks.
“What are you trying to say woman?”
Standing up from her seat, Jenny inhales deeply. “I dragged you to Church because I know you’ve been up to no good! Only God can help a low life cheating bastard like you!”
(Whack!)
Jenny crashes to the floor clutching her stomach. Terry finishes his beer and whips it at her. The bottle shatters mere inches from her head. The loud noise wakes their one year old son Bobby.
“You stupid bitch! Now you woke the kid!” Walking over to her, Terry kneels down beside her and clutches her face with his hand.
“I’ve warned you about your smart mouth!” His demonic glare pierces Jenny’s very being. Her tears roll down his hand. Forming a fist with his free hand, he reels it back. “This time I’m gonna pound your kiddies as punishment!”
Jenny’s eyes widen as she tries to break lose from his bear like grip. Terry swings his arm!
(Boom!)
Their front door bursts forth from its hinges, slamming into and destroying the coffee table. The couple watch in horror as Adam Levi makes his way inside the home. Terry’s fist lies mere inches from Jenny’s face, as the bewildered woman beater throws her aside.
“Who the fuck are you?!” Terry roars as he wobbles to his feet.
“The name’s Mr. Levi!” He pulls a Jewish Bible from his trench coat pocket. With a flick of his wrist the Bible detaches and shifts into the shape of a hand cannon! “And this is the Bible Gun! Only one of its kind in the whole world! Gorgeous isn’t it?”
He points the gun at Terry’s head.
“You like to beat her in places where nobody can see the bruises. Piece of shit!” Adam pulls the trigger.
(Boom!)
The sound of a bullet shattering a human skull resonates throughout the apartment. Shaken to the core, Jenny watches in horror as Terry’s limp body falls to the ground. His blood plastered everyone. Before Jenny can let out her terrified scream Adam runs over to her and covers her mouth.
“I know this is shocking, but I need you to grab your son and run. Your boyfriend isn’t what he seems. Please believe me!”
With her boyfriend’s blood splattered all over her, Jenny tries to scream for help. However her pleas are muffled by Adam’s hand.
“Please just grab your kid and run!…”
Terry’s corpse jerks upright! Jenny’s horrified screams intensify as she watches her abusive boyfriend’s body stand to its feet.
“Shit…” Adam aims his gun for the undead body, but the corpse smacks the gun out of Levi’s hand! “Hurry, run!”
Dashing at Terry, Adam tackles the undead corpse and the two crash into the walled mounted TV.
“Bobby!!” In a frenzied panic Jenny dashes into her son’s bed room as the corpse and Adam try to overpower each other !
“A man in colorful clothes who hunts down evil!” A eerie, distorted voice says as what’s left of Terry’s head rips apart and a new demonic version of his face materializes! “You’re the one who found the Ark of the Covenant! The Evil Hunter, Adam Levi!” The demon grins wildly at our hero. Racing from her son’s room, Bobby cuddled in her arms Jenny sees Terry’s demonic face. Paralyzed at the sight of him, she falls to her knees. Bobby begins to cry wildly.
“Jenny help me! This man turned me into a demon!” Heckles the crazed monster.
“Damn it! I didn’t want her to see this!” Kicking Terry strongly in the gut, the demon slams into the kitchen floor. Running for his gun, Adam looks up to see the apartment’s tenants huddled in front of the removed front door. Each one looks on eyes wide at the sight before them.
“Oh joy! A audience! That makes things so much better!” Peering from the kitchen the sadistic look on the demon’s face causes half of the tenants to flee in terror and the other half to fall to their knees paralyzed.
“Enough!”
Locked on, Adam Fires shots at the fowl creature, the demon disappears further into the kitchen evading the bullets. Chasing after it, Adam unleashes a storm of bullets, ripping through Terry’s back. The beast falls out the kitchen window, its escape attempt a total failure.
Plummeting three stories, the demon crashes into the roof of a nearby car.
Back in the apartment, Adam rushes to evacuate everyone from the building.
“The demon will use its second life soon, you all gotta get out of here now!” Spurring the residents to vacate the building, he can’t help but glimpse at Bobby from time to time. Adam pondering how he’ll tell Jenny her demon son must die.
Like a never ending nightmare, Terry’s body again jerks upwards as it violently pulsates! His body begins to grows bigger and bigger. Its expanding form smashing into its former home and warehouse beside it. The apartment begins to crumble as Adam, Jenny, and the last of the residents escape the collapsing home! The tenants, and various locals watch on in horror as the demon grows fifty, eighty, finally towering hundred and ten meters over the people of Windy City!
As the people flee in terror, Adam sweeps Jenny off her feet and runs to his car.
“Stealing my girl, hunter!” The crazed demon howls as it begins to lay waste to the City.
Reaching his car, Adam lets Jenny down, the mother holding her son tightly against her bosom.
“Listen to me and do as I say. And actually do it this time! Here’s the keys, take my car and drive as far away as you can. Got it!?” Silently nodding her head, she grabs a hold of the keys and hops into the front seat. No longer hesitating, Jenny with Bobby still in her arms, zooms off!
“Good! Now I can deal with Godzilla here!” Pulling out a piece paper similar to a ofuda from his trench coat pocket, Adam holds the paper before him. Words written in Hebrew cover the front of the paper.
“Golem of might, ready to fight. Hear my call come to life!”
Crumpling the paper and popping it into his mouth, Adam swallows the paper talisman! Than crossing his arms, Levi’s body begins to glow golden blue as he grows forty, ninety, hundred meters tall!
Transformed, Adam’s body has been radically altered. Taking on the physical appearance of a long blonde haired Golem from Jewish mythology, the now giant hero stands adorned in gold and red armor. Helicopters fill the sky, shining their search lights on the two colossal beings as cop cars flood the streets below. The two giants stare each other down.
“I didn’t expect you to grow big, hunter boy! How fun!” Howls the demon.
“I’m full of surprises!” Adam says snarling at the fowl beast.
Reaching into his gigantic stone trench coat, the Evil Hunter pulls out two colossal book shaped items. With a flick of his wrist both books shift into shoulder cannons!
“Say hello to the “Jeru” and “Baby” T Shoulder Cannons!”
“A play on the words Jerusalem, Babylonian, and Talmud. Cleaver…” Says Terry.
Pulling the trigger, the two shoulder cannons unleash gigantic rounds at Terry! Barely dodging the strangely fast cannon rounds, the demon rolls behind a nearby building. The rounds demolish the building as the people inside die in the explosion.
“See, this is why I hate when these type of demons use their second life!”
Standing in the shadow of the fiery building, Terry grins wildly at the Evil Hunter.
“Damn it! Don’t mock me!” Adam roars.
Firing again at the fowl creature. The colossal cannon balls clash with a ghastly fog emitted from Terry’s mouth. The two powerful forces erupt, causing a massive explosion that engulfs the nearby military and helicopters.
Windy City lies in flames, Struggling to stand, Adam uses the last of his strength to run over to the fallen demon. Standing over the creature, the giant hero readies to blast the beast point blank!
“Sayonara Terry!”
(Slash!)
Adam roars in pain, the demon’s nail like claws borrowed deep into the giant hero’s rips. Blasting Adam with its fog breath, the hunter erupts in small explosions and crashes into the City’s streets!
“Extending claws, just one of the many tricks up my sleeve, hunter boy!” The insane demon joyfully licks Adam’s blood from its nails.
Riving in pain, the gigantic Adam lies grounded, clutching his stabbed rips. His blood flooding the street. Grabbing a hold of the dropped Baby T Shoulder Cannon, the demon aims the cannon’s barrel in Levi’s face.
“Bah bye hunter boy!” He slowly puts pressure on the cannon’s trigger. “Oh! That reminds me! When you see God, tell him he sucks!”
“Tell him yourself!” Roars Adam.
(Bam!)
Terry goes soaring into the last nearby building still standing.
“Your not the only one with surprises demon!” Adam weakly rises to his feet.
“Remember saying I found the Ark of the Covenant? Well I like to call it my personal trump card!” Thrusting his arms toward his side, Adam proceeds to swing his arms around in a flashy manner. The swift arm movements end, with his right arm raised sky high.
“Behold the Ultimate! Come forth God!”
The oddly once bright sky, darkens as the clouds turn charcoal black. The winds blow violently creating tornados and twisters; lightning thundering above. The ground below cracks open as the entire Earth shakes at its very core.
“What the hell is going on?!” The giant demon tries but fails miserably to stand.
“Don’t tell me?…The LORD is really coming?…”
The sound of trumpets playing in the distance cuts Terry off. The blacked sky above cracks open like a egg, as the trumpet playing gets louder and louder. Appearing from the crack, angels in two single file lines descend toward the Earth. Each one more beautiful than the last.
The majestic damsels are adorned in crystal blue gowns, gold sashes wrapped around their waists. Their gorgeous red hair dances as they fly As the angels continue to make their way toward the ground, four male angels appear before the world. Following the path the female angels prepared for them, the four spread their wings, revealing six rainbow colored wings each!
“You have a bad habit of constantly calling his Holiness to finish your dirty work, don’t you Adam?” Barks the effeminate Archangel Gabriel.
“He’s just weak.” The terrifying Archangel Satan snickers.
“Shut up you two!” Adam retorts. “Your just jealous that God is making you obey a human!”
Satan infuriated, locks eyes with Adam.
“What was that you little shit?!” Satan readies his scythe.
“Enough!” Roars the handsome and heroic Archangel Michael.
“We have a job to do!”
Gabriel and Satan reluctantly obey Michael’s orders, all the while the bland, Archangel Raphael amused; giggles to himself. In perfect sync with each other, the four elite angels ready their respective weapons. Michael his blade, Satan his scythe, Gabriel his flute, and Raphael his guitar made of fish bones?!
“Go!” Michael orders as the four soar through the blackened sky.
Playing his flute Gabriel causes a binding tornado to ensnare the demon! Trapped in the ravishing twister Terry spirals upward high into the sky.
“Argh! What is this?!” The creature howls in pain.
Soaring rapidly back and forth through the tornado, Satan viciously slashes at Terry’s body. The demon’s blood scatters wildly, as the prince of darkness attacks without mercy. The magical tornado continues to climb higher and higher, entering the stratosphere.
“Yay it’s my turn!”
Raphael says excitedly as he strums his boney guitar. The demon tries to cover its ears with its bloody hands. The heavy metal music resonates throughout the creature’s head.
“Make it stop! Please make it stop!…”
(Splat!)
Terry howls in utter anguish as fish scales burst forth from its eyes!
“WooWee! That looks so painful!” Raphael says delighted.
“But something as unholy as you can’t look upon his Holiness ya know!”
Finally reaching beyond the Thermosphere the magical whirlwind vanishes to the four winds.
Hovering before the demon, Michael attacks the creature with swift, elegant swipes. The highest ranking angel cuts through the demon without remorse or concern. Having no time to process its unbearable pain, Terry can only cry as Michael plunges his sword through its stomach.
Lifting the demon like food on a skewer, the void that is space cracks open. The word “God” spelled out in Hebrew, Greek, and Arabic appear from the blue lit crack. The words bigger the known universe.
“Oh I love when this happens!” Raphael squeals excitedly.
Satan and Gabriel kneel down on one knee, as Raphael flows suit.
“Here His Holiness comes!”
A intensely bright golden light shoots forth from the crack, through the three words, filling creation. The Universe itself stops to bare witness to the Almighty The intense light is blindingly, even the super elite angel, Michael himself can only see the vague outline of a enormously gigantic being sitting upon a throne.
“O Holiness, blessed be you!” The refined Archangel bows his head before the Almighty.
“I present to you the scum that Adam Levi has requested your help in vanquishing!”
“I can feel it!” The demon screams as it tries to free itself from the blade.
“This presence is to much! It’s incredible! It hurts! It hurts!”
The remains of the demon begin sizzling as if being broiled. Losing its mind before the Great One, Terry screams wildly as if it were being tortured.
Slowly hovering up towards the Alpha and Omega, Terry’s body pulls away from Michael’s blade. Coming closer to the Ruler of All things, the demon man’s mind erodes as it slips into madness. Twitching violently, foam erupts from the creature’s mouth.
One can not say with certainty what horrors the demon Terry is facing in this moment. Some in the heavenly realm have proposed that the judged are inflicted with every sin they’ve ever caused, others say the judged die a thousand deaths.
With one final scream of terror, the demon vanishes in a bright golden light!
The golden light filling the universe, lessens. The four elite archangels can properly see their surroundings again. Rising from his kneeled position, Michael nods his head.
“Yes my Lord!” Turning toward the Earth, Michael calls out in a loud voice, “Bring Adam Levi here at once!”
Seconds later the giant Adam is whisked upward into space by a golden chariot of fire!
“I love this heavenly power! It lets me breeze in space!” Chuckles the hero.
Now amongst the four Archangels, Adam watches as a bright red light shines brightly revealing a fully recovered Terry.
“Why am I here?! Why won’t these tortures end?!” The demon man howls.
Suffering from the situation befalling it, the demon watches as Adam shrouded in golden light hovers above him in the chariot.
“The Holy One Blessed be He has given you the power Adam Levi. Unleash His Judgment!” Michael exclaims.
Holding out his hands, a gigantic gold and sapphire book appears in Levi’s hands.
“The Book of Life, damn this thing is so cool!” Says Adam.
“Seriously!” Gabriel retorts. “Your in the presence of a crazy level sacred item and you curse?! Idiot!”
“Now do you see why I hate humans?” Says Satan.
Pretending to ignore the Archangel’s commentary, Adam holds the book in front of him, in the tinkle of a eye a energy blade erupts from both sides of the sacred writ! The two rainbow colored energy blades protruding from the book extend for miles, a oversized blade for a larger than life hero. Adam proceeds to whip the blade around in a artful and fantastic weapon demonstration.
“Archangels, music please!” Adam yells.
Grudgingly the Archangel Satan transforms his weapon into a bass, while super elite Michael unveils a drum set! Gabriel and Raphael keeping their respective instrument based weapons. Playing a pop like rock tune, the flaming chariot Charges forward as Adam readies his blade and his voice!
“God and I!” Sings the Archangel chorus.
“Forever united as one!” Adam chimes in.
(Slashing Terry with the upward end of the blade, the demon hovers in space chopped in half. Its blood hovering everywhere. Turning the chariot around, Adam continues his assault!)
“God and I!” The heavenly chorus bellows.
“Together the battles are won!” Our hero adds on.
(In perfect harmony with the music, Adam slashes again with the bottom portion of the energy blade. Cutting vertically, the demon man’s sliced body dangles through the black void; its blood continuing to splatter about. Adam intentionally left the demon‘s head intact. Cutting from the shoulder down. Terry‘s horrific screams can only be heard because of the overwhelming power judging him. A example and warning to all.)
“God and I!” The angels sing their hearts out.
“Though you let my spirit not fall! Cause I am so cool and you know that its true!” Adam bellows his all might.
(The blades retreat into the Book of Life, and with a flick of his giant wrist, the legendary holy book switches into a ridiculously oversized gun!)
“Final Life Finish!!”
Adam roars, as the colossal gun fires a insanely large energy beam that incinerates Terry!
Adam rides the chariot back to Earth looking cool as the massive explosion ensues behind him. The flaming chariot erupts in a ball of fire as it decreases in size. Finally a human sized flame touches down on the streets of Windy City. The flame expires revealing Adam, now back in his human form. Standing before the brightly dressed hero is a woman covered in a violet shawl and sky blue hoodie. Her long blonde hair sparkles like fine gold. Adam smiles happily.
“Naomi!” Adam runs up to his partner. “I’m so glad your ok!”
Crossing her arms, the blonde beauty turns her head.
“Yeah right! You left me to battle that demon’s cronies, while you gallivanted around with that floozy!” She pokes him back with her gentle finger. “Plus you stole the kill, again! Seriously! Who do you think you are, Ultraman? Also God’s not your personal giant mecha who you can use whenever you like! Next time he’ll let you stew in your own juices, like last time!”
“Well God did end up helping me, after I learned to be humble.”
Naomi glares at Adam, causing him to shiver violently.
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Adam says embarrassed. “But we gotta find that woman and her demon baby!”
“And your car!” Retorts Naomi.
“Ah hell that’s right my Abby!”
Running off in a frenzy, Naomi disgusted (either by the car having a girl’s name or the situation. Or both, who knows!) chases after him.
Some days later:
Adam and Naomi successfully tracked down the woman and her child in a motel in the next city. The two explained to Jenny that her child could grow up to be another Terry, (a possessed human since birth).
“It’s not Bobby’s fault, he deserves to live! I’m sure my love for him can change his heart.” Jenny cuddles her son.
“Look Jenny, letting him live is a bad idea! Adam tell her!” Naomi tugs at his arm.
“I know!” He says while trying to point his Bible Gun at the child. Jenny swatting away his gun in anger. “But she won’t let me have a clear shot!”
“Stop!” Smacking the Bible based gun away, Jenny stands defiant before the two. “Bobby lives, period! Your Jewish god wouldn’t be happy with you killing a baby would it? I saw that spectacle! We all did! I’m not sure what happened in space but your god looks strong! Don’t piss him off by killing a baby!”
“Well technically he’s the Jewish, Christian, Muslim god, and yes, technically killing a baby would be uncool for us…” Naomi trails off.
“Fine.” Putting away his gun, Adam heads for the room’s door.
“Adam where are you going?” Naomi looks at him confused.
“She’s right.” He turns his head slightly. “Our God, blessed be He, is a merciful god. Perhaps a mother’s love is exactly what God wants for Bobby. Our god is the source of Good and Evil right? So let him weave this bizarre tapestry! The child’s wellbeing is in her hands now. If he grows up to kill her, that’s her and God’s problem!”
Adam’s words shock the two woman. Opening the room door, he looks back again.
“I hope that doesn’t happen thou… Naomi, lets go!”
As if on cue Naomi follows the flashy hero. Looking back once more at Jenny and Bobby, she smiles.
“I hope he grows up to be good too.” Naomi turns and closes the motel door behind her.
Tears roll down the windowed mother’s face.
“Thank you, you purple pimped bastard.” Jenny smiles and laughs joyfully as she looks down at her innocent baby boy. The young Bobby, eyes slightly opened, smiles back warmly.
“What the hell was that Adam?” Naomi grabs a hold of the Evil Hunter’s blue scarf choking him. “That exit was way to cool for someone as dorky as you! Trying to impress her? Huh!”
Untying his favorite scarf, to avoid choking, Adam sighs deeply as he surveys the area, the hustle and bustle of the small county blazing past the two.
“She said she left my car somewhere down route 35 right?” Adam waves his hand through the air. “Taxi!”
“Stop playing cool!” Naomi yells as a taxi pulls up before the two. “By the way, I know your little battle tune up there was a parody of a Digimon song, Mr. Cool!” She throws his scarf at him as she enters the taxi.
Entering next, Adam asks.
“Was my Digimon parody better than the time I parodied Metallica’s Master of Puppets?”
“Much better.” She replies. “Also, you should perform some Laws as thanks to God for saving your sorry ass again.”
“ Yeah your right, after all he graced us with his presence.“ Adam looks through the cab’s window, gazing at the clear, blue beautiful sky. (All fixed by the four Elite Archangels)
“Cancel all my appointments Friday and Saturday, because I’m busting out a “Gentile style Sabbath” this week!”
Naomi pulls out a tiny notebook and memos the note.
“Where to pal?” Says the cab driver.
“Take us north up Route 35!”
The End
Disclaimer: I am not promoting any religion above any other. I'm merely familiar with the Abrahamic Religions so I went with that.
Crazy the stuff we come up with as kids huh? Even more terrifying is the fact that I came up with the story's layout as a adult. Clearly I'm not in my right mind.
You may be thinking "Hey who's that character?" Well, all will be answered, added, expanded upon and edited in The Bible Gun Extended Version Coming Soon.
Preview for Turtle Tale #2: In a world where the Zombies have taken over the world, only two people and their giant robot can save the world. Bill Dozer battles flying zombies in Bill Dozer Z coming soon to my blog. Near you!
